Today marks 10 months since my husband passed away. He was diagnosed with cancer when our little one hadn’t yet turned two years old. Our firstborn was four at the time.
In the 28 months that followed, my daughters and I witnessed him deteriorate and eventually pass away.
Since his passing, I’ve often been asked how I’m coping – and more specifically, how our children are dealing with the loss.
This article is my attempt at putting together the ways in which we’ve survived these last months (and years), so they may serve as a comfort and guide to anyone navigating illness, loss, or death with young children.
- Your own certainty and faith is what they will pick up on.
- There will be different seasons and phases. Roll with them.
- Hold space for their big emotions.
- Answer their questions honestly.
- Let them see that you don’t have all the answers.
- Allow them to express their grief through play, art, and journaling.
- Blow the Sunnah Ruqyah and protective Duas on them.
- Get a pet for your grieving children.
- Strengthen their connection with Allah ﷻ through stories of the Prophets and companions.
- Buy age-appropriate books to help them process their grief.
1. Your own certainty and faith is what they will pick up on.
Children are incredibly perceptive. They pick up on our emotions on a subconscious level, and when there’s a big mismatch between what we say and how we behave, it heightens their anxiety.
So if you yourself are in shambles and hardly able to function, this increases your children’s sense of insecurity and panic as well.
This doesn’t mean you need to be strong all the time or suppress your grief.
It means you don’t dump your feelings on your children, having them perform emotional labor they’re not developmentally ready for. It means grounding yourself, again and again, in your relationship with Allah ﷻ and the close adults in your life who are there for you.
It means being proactive about tending to your own mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Seeking support. Crying. Making heartfelt Dua.
At the same time, it means doing your best to create pockets of safety and reassurance for your children in an otherwise unstable and frightening situation.
2. There will be different seasons and phases. Roll with them.
One of the most heartbreaking aspects of losing a loved one to cancer is anticipatory grief. Every day, you lose more and more of them.
Just when you think you’ve settled into a “new normal,” something shifts, and the rug is pulled out from under you again.
Rinse and repeat, for long days that turn into months and months that stretch into years.
There are countless painful goodbyes before the final one, and your children are experiencing these losses too, even if they can’t articulate them.
This can take a very real emotional toll on all of you. So the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to expect these changes and roll with them.
Don’t be rigid about routines, appearances, or “holding it together.” Even if life is just about survival for a while, let it be. You will be okay again, insha Allah.
3. Hold space for their big emotions.
Every child grieves differently. Some might become irritable and cranky, others might shut down because the pain is too much for their nervous system to handle. They might oscillate between all sorts of heavy feelings and challenging behaviors.
So let whatever comes up – anger, sadness, confusion, and even indifference – have space.
Resist the urge to fix, distract, or minimize. Instead, name their feelings:
- “You really miss Baba.”
- “I know this feels unfair.”
- “It’s okay to feel confused and angry.”
Having their emotions reflected back through your words and kind reassurance can be a source of huge relief and comfort for your children.
4. Answer their questions honestly.
In the aftermath of loss, children will often ask big questions, such as:
“Where is Baba now?”
“Why did Allah take him?”
“Will you die too?”
“Why didn’t Allah answer our prayers?”
Answer them truthfully, in age-appropriate ways, without overwhelming them. It’s okay to keep answers simple. It’s also okay to revisit the same question a hundred times – each time, your children are trying to make sense of a new layer of loss.
Avoid false reassurances and dismissals. Emphasize Allah’s Mercy and Wisdom, Jannah, and your eternal reunion with your loved ones, when appropriate.
Remember: Honesty fosters trust. Avoidance creates fear.
>>Read: How Sayyidah Khadija’s Legacy Gives Me Strength as a Widow<<
5. Let them see that you don’t have all the answers.
There is a strength, courage, and vulnerability in saying, “I don’t know.”
Children don’t need us to have everything figured out. They just need us to listen without judgment, to be present and honest. Avoid giving false promises or fake answers.
You can say:
- “I don’t know why this happened, but I know Allah ﷻ is watching over us.”
- “This hurts me too.”
- “I miss Baba too and I don’t know why he had to go either.”
This teaches your grieving children that uncertainty doesn’t mean hopelessness and that faith doesn’t require having all the answers.
6. Allow them to express their grief through play, art, and journaling.
Children often process grief better through their hands rather than with their words.
It can be as simple as giving them a diary and telling them they can write or draw anything they want to say to their loved one.
In the early days after his passing, I had my sister take my daughters to buy journals. I told them that whenever they really miss Baba and want to talk to him, they can open the journal and write whatever they want. Then they can share these journals with their Baba in Jannah.
So those pages became their safe spaces – where they could draw whatever they wanted, write letters to their father, and express things they didn’t know how to say out loud.
7. Blow the Sunnah Ruqyah and protective Duas on them.
The Sunnah Ruqyah and Duas offer us a powerful way to protect ourselves and our children, especially when we’re feeling vulnerable and uncertain. In moments when our words fall short, these Sunnah supplications remind us that true safety and protection come from Allah ﷻ alone.
The Prophet ﷺ used to seek refuge for Hasan and Husain (ra) and say:
أَعُوذُ بِكَلِمَاتِ اللَّهِ التَّامَّةِ مِنْ كُلِّ شَيْطَانٍ وَهَامَّةٍ وَمِنْ كُلِّ عَيْنٍ لاَمَّةٍ
A’udhu bi kalimatil-lahil- tammati, min kulli shaitanin wa hammah, wa min kulli ‘aynin lammah.
“I seek refuge for you both in the Perfect Words of Allah, from every devil and every poisonous reptile, and from every evil eye.”
And he would say: ‘Thus Ibrahim used to seek refuge with Allah for Isma’il and Ishaq.’” [Sunan Ibn Majah]
Early after his passing, our little one would wake up screaming at night, calling for her dad. Nothing would console her.
Eventually, I began reading the Sunnah Ruqyah over her and it worked wonders, Alhumdulillah.
A fellow widow also shared a practical tip that helped immensely with nighttime fears. She suggested using a multivitamins syrup, showing it to your child, and explaining: “Whenever you feel scared, Mama will give you a spoon of this, and the fear will go away.”
In essence, this taps into the placebo effect. Combined with Ruqyah and reassurance, our nights became significantly calmer, Alhumduilllah.
8. Get a pet for your grieving children.
Research proves that a pet can be a great source of comfort during grief, for children and adults alike.
Studies have found that people with pets reported significantly higher coping self-efficacy, psychological wellbeing, and positive emotions compared with people without pets, suggesting pets can help owners feel better able to handle stress and emotional challenges.
Companion animals like dogs and cats have been associated with reduced stress and anxiety, eased loneliness, and increased sense of purpose and daily routine.
In another study, bereaved individuals rated pet companionship as the most satisfactory form of emotional support – more so than support from family, friends, or professionals – when coping with traumatic grief, highlighting the unique comfort animals can provide to people navigating loss.
A pet doesn’t replace the loss of a loved one, but it can offer companionship, routine, and a sense of being needed. Feeding a fish, caring for a cat, or playing with a rabbit can give children something steady to anchor themselves to when everything else in life feels uncertain.
Pets also provide non-verbal comfort. They don’t ask questions. They don’t need explanations. They simply are. For a grieving child, that presence can be deeply regulating for their nervous system.
If getting a pet isn’t feasible, even temporary interactions – visiting relatives with pets, caring for a neighbor’s animal, or spending time around animals – can have a soothing effect.
9. Strengthen their connection with Allah ﷻ through stories of the Prophets and companions.
In times of loss, abstract theology can feel overwhelming for young children. Stories, however, meet them where they are.
The lives of the Prophets and righteous companions are filled with loss, separation, hardship, and perseverance. Share age-appropriate stories of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ losing his parents, of Prophet Yaqub’s (as) grief over losing Yusuf (as), of the trials faced by the Sahabiyat – not to burden your children, but to make them feel less alone in their struggles.
These stories teach children that:
- Pain does not mean Allah ﷻ has abandoned us.
- Grief is not a sign of weak faith.
- Those most beloved to Allah ﷻ were also tested deeply.
Over time, these narratives help children build a relationship with Allah ﷻ based on Tawakkul and Husn Dhann.
10. Buy age-appropriate books to help them process their grief.
Books can provide language, validation, and reassurance during grief when conversation feels too heavy.
Look for books that gently explore themes of death, missing someone, fear, and continuity of love, particularly those written for young children.
Reading together allows grief to be processed side by side, without pressure. It also opens the door for questions and conversations that might not arise otherwise.
There were moments when my children found comfort simply in knowing that other children had felt what they were feeling too. That recognition alone can soften the isolation grief brings.
Take your time choosing books, revisit them when needed, and allow your child to return to the same story again and again. Repetition is how children make sense of loss.
A final reminder
Remember that Allah ﷻ is the One who chose these circumstances for you.
His own beloved ﷺ was an orphan. The Prophet ﷺ buried his mother, children, spouses, and countless companions in his lifetime.
Reflect on how high your status is in the Sight of Allah ﷻ, how beloved you and your children are to Him, for Him to have chosen circumstances for you similar to those of His Prophet ﷺ.
Sa’d ibn Abi Waqqas (ra) reported: I said, “O Messenger of Allah ﷺ, which people are tested most severely?”
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said,
“They are the prophets, then the next best, then the next best. A person is tested according to his religious commitment. If he is steadfast in his religious commitment, he will be tested more severely, and if he is frail in his religious commitment, his test will be according to his commitment. Trials will continue to afflict a person until they leave him walking on the earth with no sin on him.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]
And in another Hadith, the Prophet ﷺ said:
عِظَمُ الْجَزَاءِ مَعَ عِظَمِ الْبَلاَءِ وَإِنَّ اللَّهَ إِذَا أَحَبَّ قَوْمًا ابْتَلاَهُمْ فَمَنْ رَضِيَ فَلَهُ الرِّضَا وَمَنْ سَخِطَ فَلَهُ السُّخْطُ
“The greatest reward comes with the greatest trial. When Allah loves a people He tests them. Whoever accepts that wins His pleasure but whoever is discontent with that earns His wrath.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]
الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ عَلَى كُلِّ حَالٍ
Grief didn’t come with a manual, and you’re doing your best with what you know. You are not alone in this journey, even when it feels unbearably lonely.
May Allah ﷻ envelop you and your children in His mercy, grant your loved ones the highest ranks of Jannah, and make this pain a means of nearness to Him. Ameen.
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